Sometimes more than once a day. I hold a vision of myself as being a raw foodist, vibrantly healthy with unwavering stamina and dedication. But…the reality of me is that I am none of those things. Well, I am sometimes, but not in the way I envision.
Every day, I feel deeply inspired to eat all raw, but then always around 2:30 pm, I forget this. I literally forget. I don’t eat crap, but I might. I’m not safe to be alone in the grocery store. I might slip through a drive thru, a mere shadow of myself as I envision, hiding in a parking lot crumpling evidence like the recipient of a forbidden love letter.
And so I have lived for about 3 years now. It’s amazing how time flies and the universe supports us in continuing our dramas, our illusions. I consider myself to be a well-versed educator in the raw food movement. I know a lot of facts and can teach anyone to make amazing meals. I believe in everything I talk about and share with others about health. I believe in it, yet don’t own it as my birthright. I could wax tragic and blame it on my childhood or religion, but haven’t those stories already been told by us all? Certainly, I’ve gone there before.
The plain truth is I have just not truly committed. Point blank. The human condition, the pain body as Eckhart Tolle discusses, craves self-sabotage, defeatist, woeful experiences to keep it [pain body] alive. For in these dark states, the light of awareness does not shine. It is simply a matter of becoming the observer of these states and not becoming identified with them, in order to allow the light back in. For awareness and ego do not reside in the same place.
My pain body likes the SAD diet. It will fight tooth and nail to stay alive through this pattern of eating, which ultimately begets sadness, anger, unconsciousness, and dis-ease. The pain body will feast at this buffet of negativity, so long as I remain unaware and identified with these states as if they are my Self.
Awareness is a practice. I am practicing awareness. I am getting better and better.